For a POETIC IMPRESSION of this article,
ARE YOU LOVING YOUR CHILD OR RAISING A BRAT?
Here are the Signs. (PART 2)

In PART 1 of this article, I pointed out that much as we need to love our children, we must endeavor to accompany such love with the tenets of responsibility. Life is not a bed of roses and to give our children the impression that it is simply amounts to setting them up for a catastrophic collision with the realities of life. Just like love, hardship and disappointment are part of the factors that make up life and they are essential to making us more responsible individuals.

Many parents are quick to say things like "he will get over it when he gets old," "I do not want my child to suffer like I did," "I love my child and want the best for him," I want my child to be confident and outspoken." Yes, these are all positive objectives but too much of everything is bad, so goes a popular saying. Some of these type of parents can hardly be convinced to concede otherwise and most of them come back to regret it when the child turns out to be far from what they have hoped.
Copyright 2002
Copyright 2002
ARE YOU LOVING YOUR CHILD OR RAISING A BRAT?
Here are the Signs. (PART 2)

In PART 1 of this article, I pointed out that much as we need to love our children, we must endeavor to accompany such love with the tenets of responsibility. Life is not a bed of roses and to give our children the impression that it is simply amounts to setting them up for a catastrophic collision with the realities of life. Just like love, hardship and disappointment are part of the factors that make up life and they are essential to making us more responsible individuals.

Many parents are quick to say things like "he will get over it when he gets old," "I do not want my child to suffer like I did," "I love my child and want the best for him," I want my child to be confident and outspoken." Yes, these are all positive objectives but too much of everything is bad, so goes a popular saying. Some of these type of parents can hardly be convinced to concede otherwise and most of them come back to regret it when the child turns out to be far from what they have hoped.
For a POETIC IMPRESSION of this article,
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An African lady that I will call Mrs. X for anonymity, ignored several warnings by her relatives about the manner she was raising her children when she came over to the United States. Mrs. X insisted that the world has changed, and children should be allowed to do what they like, "after all it is a free country." However, when the first child became a big boy, he was out of control and would even threaten Mrs. X when she attempted to discipline him (too late). Mrs. X then decided to send the big boy to her relative whom she felt had a good disciplinary grip on his children (too late). Mrs. X failed to realize that her relative seemed to have a grip on his children because he started early and never abandoned basic African tenets while raising his children. Well, at this point, even the relative could not exercise any control over the boy (too late), and when the boy started passing on his flawed characteristics on the otherwise disciplined children of the relative, the relative had to beg Mrs. X to come and get back her child. Now she is stuck with the boy. Perhaps, very soon she may start passing the blames of her failure on someone or the society.

This piece does not suggest a preference of any particular tenet in bringing up children, but regardless of how one wants to look at it; a parent cannot ignore his or her culture in raising a child in any environment. A typical American child of a typical American parent cannot be raised entirely on the basis of African culture simply because the parent is a diplomat or immigrant in an Africa society. The same goes for an African parent and an African child in a country in the western world. The key is balance and adjustment. If there must be a leaning it is always helpful to lean on the side of the parents' culture, and where the parents have conflicting cultural background the situation would require even a tougher effort.
Today in the name of love, comfort, and privacy, we allow children to have their own TV and stereo systems which is not really bad, but we fail to teach them that it requires hard work to earn the money that can be used in buying such pleasures of life.  We let children lock us out of rooms we paid for and gave them. So when they build pipe bombs, raise arms, and go on a deadly shooting rampage as in the Columbine case, we cry victim and claim ignorance of any danger signals.

Sometime ago, there was the news of the 12-year-old girl who hung herself because 'her boyfriend' left her. How did we get to a point where a child of 12 got so much into dating that she would kill herself because of a fallen or ill-fated relationship? Before, a parent troubled by a disobedient child would come to school and report the child for punishment and discipline. These days, some parents encourage their children to disobey their teachers. Some privileged parents even harass teachers (in defense of their children) who insist on strict discipline. Children are no longer being taught to expect punishment for wrongdoing, or that certain things have to be tolerated in life. Children are being raised without being taught how to share their toys, their food, clothes, space, etc. Rather they now kill or commit suicide if things do not go their way.

Recently, I read an article on this subject by Jeanne Sahadi, CNN/Money Staff Writer. I was very impressed by her reasoning, considering that she writes for a mostly western outlet as New York (CNN/Money). It assured me that even in America, there are those who believe that loving our children does not mean raising brats. From her essay, I have come up with the following six signs of raising a brat. Answering yes to even one of these questions would suggest that one is possibly raising a brat.

1.          Does your child equate house chores with capitalism? The child needs to feel like a productive member of the family and view chores as part of home life. Getting tipped for performing well is counterproductive.
2.          Does your child use up an allowance carelessly and ask for more? Let your child live with the consequences of making a bad financial decision.
3.          Does your child insist on designer accessories even when he knows that you may not be able to afford it? Feel free to put your foot down and say no sometimes even if you can afford the designer jeans, or shoe, or shirt, etc. Tell your child to save for it if he thinks it is too important.
4.          Do you boast to others about what you get for your children? This teaches your children that their worth in the eyes of their peers is tied in part to what you can afford.
5.          Do you give in to your child's constant but different requests? By that, you are setting your child up for long-term discontent. There is nothing to look forward to. There is no respect for what he is getting. There is no incentive to save.
6.          Do you always bring home gifts or use money to vie for your child's affection to get back at a spouse or ex-spouse?

Remember, saying no can be beautiful, disappointment could be a blessing, hardship may not endure forever, hard work could lead to glory, and discipline attains a goal, a future.

Oliver Mbamara, Esq., is an Administrative Law Judge with the State of New York.