For PART 2 of this article, CLICK HERE

For POETIC IMPRESSION CLICK HERE
Copyright 2002
Copyright 2002
ARE YOU LOVING YOUR CHILD OR RAISING A BRAT?
Here are the Signs. (PART 1)

With the influence of western civilization, the concept of "my child this" and "my child that" has replaced the African communal concept of "our child." Ordinarily, a child in a typical African cultural environment was seen as a gift and investment of the society.  Therefore the whole community contributed positively to the raising of the child. Parents were allowed to have the priority of dealing with their children in some areas but generally, the child's character was molded by the culture and tradition that obtained in the societal environment wherein the child was raised.

Even in those few areas of life where the parent(s) had priority rights in making decisions affecting their children, such parent(s) took into consideration what effect such decision would have on the general society. In such an environment the child was taught to develop love and respect not only for the parent(s) but the entire society. It is pertinent to note hear that past traditional African societies have no place for organizations like the Administration for Children Services. The society acted as the watchdog and a child that was too wild for the parent somehow succumbed to the pressures and checks of the general society.
People did not stand aside and let one child perpetrate violence on another or others simply because those other children belonged to someone else, neither did they keep calm and watch another's child go astray for fear of persecution by state laws. An Ibo proverb says  "an elder will not stay at home and watch a goat die while tied to the stake with a rope (leash) around its neck." One of the most memorable slaps I got as a child came from a distant uncle when I was a little too wayward while my parents were away from home. That slap helped convince me to readdress my ways as a child and I am glad today that this uncle of mine dealt me such a memorable slap. Yes, children should not be slapped or battered, but in the context in which he acted, my uncle's action was neither an abuse nor an assault, and in fact my father later thanked him for it and even added his own punishment to it all. I would not have taken precaution or learnt my lesson otherwise. Many children are like that, though not all.

Make no mistake about it, child battering (or abuse) as a means of raising children should be condemned. There are many ways of raising a disciplined child today without resorting to battering (or abuse). Nothing influences a child more like the knowledge that he would suffer some consequence or a loss of benefit when he goes contrary to set-down rules of discipline, and this can be achieved without battering. It is called responsibility - the greatest check on freedom, love, and even power. In the same vein, a child should be rewarded for a good deed but not bribed to be good as many parents do. To always give the child something for him to be good is to tell the child that someone must pay for him to be a nice person. A child should be made to realize that to be a good child is the first choice and a sort of civic duty that does not have to be paid for by anyone, while being a bad child has its unpleasant consequences. The worst damage a parent would do to a child's future is to let the child believe that he could do anything and get away with it. If such a child develops such an attitude at home, he is bound to extend it to those outside the home as he grows, and this could manifest as intolerance, selfishness, carelessness, violence, and anger at the world.

A child ought to be loved but such love must go with responsibility. It is called 'tough love' in some parlance. It is questionable for one to claim that he/she loves a child when he/she allows such a child to cultivate habits that would endanger or ruin the child's adulthood. That is 'sparing the rod and spoiling the child.' Most times, children hardly ever know what the test of life or the future would likely bring, and it is the responsibility of the adult to give them a realistic idea of what likely obtains. In recent times, we have heard or read about children who grew up to revolt against their parents simply because such parents did not insist on the right course for the child who was oblivious at childhood.

On the face of it, it would seem that western societies afford children more freedom than African societies, and this piece will not dwell on that since every society is different. However, in view of the fact that many Africans are now immigrants and qualified citizens of foreign countries where they have gone to make their living, the question of what tenets these Africans would use to raise their children becomes of paramount concern. Other questions that arise include:  how helpful is it for African parents to completely imitate the tenets of the western world in raising their children? What are the consequences of ignoring the African concept of respect and discipline (which many of these parents still unconsciously expect these same children to follow)? Are we loving our children today or raising brats for a terrible future?

In today's western world, you could be sued or punished for trying to discipline a child. Unfortunately, this trend is slowly but steadily creeping into African societies. And people now let children get away with offensive behaviors for fear of the law. Yes, the law of the society in question must be respected, but respect and discipline could still be imparted without offending the law. An essential key is to start early.

There is danger in letting a child always have his (often unruly) way simply based on excuses like  'oh he is just being a stubborn 2 year old." At 2 and during the formative years, a child will listen, and characters are easier to mold. The tender age is the time to let the child know that he cannot have all that he wants all the time. That is the reality of life and the child must be 'practically' made to realize that point as early as possible. It may be too late to wait till the child is older when the temptation to use force to overcome his stronger resistance could become too pressing and ultimately lead to violence. It does not have to get to that.

In Part 2 of this piece, I will share the prominent signs, which parents could use in determining if they are loving their children or raising brats.
For PART 2 of this article, CLICK HERE

For POETIC IMPRESSION CLICK HERE
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